Quinn Weber
Welcome to the Church of Skagway
Skagway City School is in a deplorable state. Student enrollment is dropping as fast as government funding. These two figures are linked symbiotically for as enrollment declines funding plummets the low funding in turn leads to dilapidated facilities and second rate educators which discourage new students and scare current pupils into nearby Haines or Juneau. This devastating negative flow of students must be stemmed so as to create an environment in which quality education is given. Furthermore an increase in student population would boost the athletic clubs of Skagway school bringing pride and honor to the community. Surely the one who could bring such glory to the city would be worthy of praise.
Every Sunday millions of believers flock to the nearest or most well funded altar, temple or church to proclaim their faith to the heavens. In Skagway especially there is an especially large population of those of the Mormon faith. When this faith is analyzed more closely a few traits make them prime candidate for the plan, which I will outline. The Mormon faith is one of the youngest, this willingness to adopt a new religion on haphazard events is a vital aspect of the Mormons involvement in the plan. More important than this is the Mormons never ending search for the holy city “Zion” and the loss of their magical glasses- with out which they cannot read their magical shiny dining utensils.
Relief to this religious mid-life crisis will be provided in Skagway, where a new yet similar church will be established. A people so eager to adopt a new and inventive religion and one so exhausted with the search for Zion will be more than eager to adopt a new more easy-going faith.After the religion has been established with its headquarters in Skagway, the city will soon follow in the steps of Bethlehem, Jerusalem, and Salt Lake City because disciples will flock to the holy city. New life will thrive in the valley.
The laws of the religion will be shaped so that premarital sex and multiple wives are encouraged while contraceptives are virtually eliminated. In an era of religious revival these steps are virtually unnecessary as emotions (and hormones) will rage. It is a well known fact that after a congregation s one of the most common times for passionate and unprotected sex (see grapes of wrath), It is no coincidence that the most common time of year for birth is 9 months after the religious holiday of lent.
Undeniably these new religious folk will help boost Skagway young population and stop the faltering numbers in school. The beauty of the plan lies in the fact that even if the religion crumbles, as it might, the population will already be boosted enough to stop the endless cycle of declining students. With the boost of new bodies, the school will receive new funding, which will allow higher wages for teachers, two part desks and ipso facto higher test scores.